Talking but not communicating

As most people figure out early in life, men and women tend to have very different communication styles. Many books have been written on the subject, such as those written by Deborah Tannen. In general, men usually have a very blunt and direct style of communication, that tends to work well in hierarchical relationships. Women often have a more indirect communication style that lends itself well to cooperation and consensus building. The differing communication styles can conflict. Women often perceive men's communication as being hurtful and rude. Men often perceive women's communication as being pointless or complaining.

Obviously, if men and women understand each other's communication styles, they are probably less likely to be offended by the other person. Unfortunately, it's difficult adjusting one's behavior. Despite the fact that I know that women aren't looking for solutions when they share their problems, I still find myself doing exactly that. It's a hard habit to break, and I think it is one that's compounded by me being an engineer. I spend my entire day finding solutions to problems, and I still find myself in that mode when I talk to people.

But what happens if people attempt to communicate to the opposite sex using the language of the opposite sex? I've observed that women who know how to be direct in talking to men are usually successful at it. They often are treated as "one of the guys". But what happens if a man tries to be more nuanced and subtle when he communicates with women? From what I have seen, it's not a terribly successful strategy. Women are used to men being blunt, and when men aren't, women totally miss the message. And for those few women do grasp the message, they assume that the guy must be gay. I guess their assumption is that straight men can't relate positively with women.

Given all of these communication differences, I sometimes think that it is a wonder that our society works at all.